The College Entrance Exam: How 5 Famous Authors Would Have Fared

The economy is stagnant, and job opportunities are scarce all over the world. Yes, the pressure is on to make the most of your education, but one can only endure so much PSAT, SAT, and ACT madness before a serious break is in order. To remind ourselves that “aptitude test” doesn’t translate to “measure of your worth as a human being,” let’s see how these five famous authors would have fared in your college-bound shoes—and what devices they’d be trying to smuggle into the testing room.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

 

Known For:

38 plays, including Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, and Macbeth; the classiest fart jokes in Western literature.

Would Totally Rock:

Style, ACT English. Has any other Western author managed to slip so much sex humor under the radar? Seriously. We’d like to know.

Analogies, SAT English. THEE : A SUMMER’S DAY :: THY ETERNAL SUMMER : THE EYE OF HEAVEN. Nailed it!

Not So Much:

Natural Science, ACT Reading. To put it into perspective, Shakespeare died fifty years before humans discovered microorganisms. (You don’t even want to know how long it was before we stopped calling them “wee beasties.”)

What He Would Have to Say About the Edtech Realm:

To tech or not to tech: that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the bounds of pen and paper, or seize a laptop against and click, click away.

 

EMILY DICKINSON

 

Known For:

Nearly 2,000 poems, including I heard a fly buzz – when I died and Because I could not stop for death; being surprisingly morbid.

Would Totally Rock:

Optional Essay, ACT English. Emily Dickinson wrote 366 poems…in 1862. A half-hour essay? Puh-lease!

Not So Much:

Punctuation, ACT English. Emily Dickinson was to writing as Christopher Walken is to speaking. Just check out the closing stanza of I felt a Funeral, in my Brain:

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,

And I dropped down, and down–

And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing–then–

Tech of Choice:

Dickinson lived a very private lifestyle, carrying out her friendships primarily through correspondence. That’s why we know she would totally be digging Facebook. Keeping tabs on friends without having to interact face-to-face. Totally status-worthy.

JAMES JOYCE

 

Known For:

Spearheading the modern literature movement with Ulysses; intentionally screwing with English majors.

Would Totally Rock:

Vocab, SAT English. Omphalos. Agenbite.  Mnemotechnic. Ineluctable. Syllogistically. These are the kind of words Joyce bandied around for fun. (His, not yours.)

Comparisons, SAT Math. Don’t believe us? Take a look at this whopper from Ulysses: “16 years before in 1888 when Bloom was of Stephen’s present age Stephen was 6. 16 years after in 1920 when Stephen would be of Bloom’s present age Bloom would be 54. In 1936 when Bloom would be 70 and Stephen 54 their ages initially in the ratio of 16 to 0 would be 17 ½ to 13 1/2, the proportion increasing and disparity diminishing according as arbitrary future years were added.” Take THAT, beach reading!

Not So Much:

Improving Sentences, SAT English. Q: What happens when you give James Joyce 17 years to perfect a novel? A: Finnegans Wake. “He never cotched finer, balay me, at Romiolo Frullini’s flea pantamine out of Griddle-the-Sink or Shusies-with-her-Soles-Up or La Sauzerelly, the pucieboots, when I started so hobmop ladlelike, highty tighty, to kick the time off the cluck clock lucklock quamquam caincam potapot panapan kickakickkack.” Yes, that actually means something.

Tweet or Be Tweeted:

Perfecting the stream of consciousness in his landmark novel, Ulysses, Joyce is a prime candidate for the Twitter nation. He might struggle with word count though.

 

JK ROWLING

 

Known For:

Harry Potter; spawning an eager new generation of LARPers.

Would Totally Rock:

Prose Fiction, ACT Reading. Navigating a few quick paragraphs of prose fiction? Try getting half a billion people to commit to 4,000 pages of it.

 

Not So Much:

Science Reasoning, ACT. Because magic isn’t even, like, possible.

 

As the Minister of Education, She Would Say…

“Oh Muggles! It is all about efficiency – what is that you say … there is no such thing as a magic wand? I suppose some tech initiatives will have to do. Toss the textbooks, and pass the iPad, please.”

DOUGLAS ADAMS

Known For:

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; making you love a depressed robot.

Would Totally Rock:

Math, SAT or ACT. Pro tip: The answer to everything is 42.

Come to think of it, everything else. Math, science, English…Douglas Adams does it all. And he even brought his towel.

What would Douglas Adams do with tech? (Suggestion: “Rock the App Store. Don’t understand Dolphinese? There’s an App for That”)

Would Most Likely Blog About:

The Evolution of Text – From Paperback to the Big Screen and a Gaming Console in Between

About the Author:

Shmoop offers hundreds of free educational guides and references. We believe that any topic, like SAT, ACT or PSAT, can be broken down in a way that is relatable and fun for students. We keep things more interesting by using television shows, video games, music, and fashion references. Our goal is not only to present the fundamentals, but to bring the material to life in a way that makes students ask more questions, instead of fewer. Check out Shmoop’s website to see how all of our free resources can make a difference in your study time.

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